Friday, May 15, 2015

Flashbacks

I keep having flashbacks. Flashbacks to three weeks ago. Flashbacks of Jonathan and I laying in bed. Flashbacks of me having a glass of wine and watching gossip girl (because why are these 16 year olds drinking martini's?) and Jonathan laying next to me with his computer open writing code (nerd alert) and eating a bowl of peanuts. Those two people went to bed without a care in the world.
 Then a series of flashbacks that lead me to the same place.


Flashbacks to my husband who couldn't tell me my name. Flashbacks to the test, the questions, the doctors, to the er. Flashbacks to the hospital waiting room. Flashback of abandoning my kids with my parents. Flashbacks of the ambulance. Flashbacks of Lucy coming down to see the commotion. Flashbacks of praying and waiting for the paramedics. Flashbacks to the 911 call. Flashbacks of being woken up.

Woken up. 

Physically and Spiritually, God woke us up. 

Do I believe God gave Jonathan cancer? No. There is nothing evil about God. His plans are perfect. He is good. He loves his people. He watches over them even when they are sleeping. He prepares them for hardship. He is perfect.  

So, why does Jonathan have cancer? Why do bad things happen to good people? It's our fallen world and the evil that lives in it. If you want to hate someone, hate Satan. I hate Satan and I tell it to his face everyday. 

I imagine Jesus sitting on the edge of our gray chair in our bedroom watching us while we slept. He knew the moment that Jonathan would have his episode and he prepared us for it. He woke me and said, "Mary-bear, it's go time" and I was unknowingly prepared. 

One week prior, Lucy had a field trip to Fire Safety town. It's the cutest miniature town in Frisco where kids learn all about the emergency services, how to recognize the good guys, and how to place a 911 call without panicking. I was a chaperon. God knew how important that would be and he prepared Lucy and I. When Lucy came down to see the commotion, I told her not to come in our room and that a paramedic was coming and I needed her to 1. unlock the door for the paramedics 2. go upstairs back to her room and close the door. And she did, Without question. I can picture Jesus holding her hand and helping her back up the stairs. He answered her questions and comforted her fear. 

The flashbacks always lead to being woken up. God woke us up. He woke us up not to brain cancer but to refocus us on him. 

He is kind, He is smart, He is important. wait...

I lay down and slept, yet I woke up in safety, for the Lord was watching over me. -psalm 3:5

God is bigger than this and Jesus can fix-it. 

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