When I invited Jesus into my life, I thought He was going to put up some wallpaper and hang a few picutres. But He started knocking out walls and adding rooms. I said, "I was expecting a nice cottage." But He said, "I'm making a palace in which to live." -C.S. Lewis
I was newly married and finishing up architecture school and I was on a path of destruction. I had vices and I liked to have fun. I relied on myself and depended on my husband. It was us in this big world and we were going to take all it had to offer.
Having fun every night takes a toll on one physically, mentally and emotionally. I hit a wall head on and it threw me to the ground. (Not physically but imagine going until you just can't go anymore.) I had hit rock bottom and I was done. I was tired. I was helpless.
It was the first time I realized my helplessness.
I grew up going to church every Sunday. We went to church, we sang some songs, we stood up/repeated some words/sat down, and then we listened to the preacher talk. Sometimes he would relate his sermons to a movie and I would always think- "Hmm, I need to rent that movie from the Blockbuster." I was going through the motions. I didn't know any better. I went to youth group but I'm not sure we talked much about Jesus. I remember the baked potato bar and the mission trip to six flags....
I claimed being a christian because well, I went to church. I went through the motions. Sure, Jesus... I believe that happened. I just thought Jesus was some guy that died and came back and he was in a book that people talked about. But you know who else was in a book that people talked about? George Washington. Jesus meant as much to me as George Washington. And if you know how much I love history you know that means very little. I believed it as fact but never allowed myself to experience it. But to be really honest I didn't know you could experience Jesus.
So I was driving home late one night and I told myself I was done. I was tired. I was helpless.
And for the first time I really prayed. I didn't just say some words and shoot them towards the sky. I prayed to our God, who loves me and listens to all of us and who is very much real and living. I prayed a prayer of mercy. I told him I was done. I was tired. I was helpless. I didn't want to be in charge anymore. I wanted him to take over. And I claimed Jesus. I even said, "I don't know what that means but I'll figure it out but I know I need him."
And there He was, opened armed and waiting. "I've been waiting on you Mary-bear, I love you and I died for you." "Whoa, Jesus the Christ, you are coming on a little strong and I don't know what that means yet. I just know that I need you. I also know that I need you to change me in a big way. You take over. I keep messing things up and I'm done."
I went to bed that night with Jesus in my heart and I woke up nauseated.
You see, when you ask Jesus to do something- He does. I asked Him to "Change me in a big way." And a big way He did. After three months of marriage, Jonathan and I were expecting a baby. Precautions and all- A real life baby was coming.
I asked Jesus into my heart. I asked Him to change me. Changed me He did.
We've been hot and heavy ever since.
I'm sharing this because I feel like I have the best kept secret in the world. I wouldn't let a sale or deal go by without telling other people and I can't let this pass by someone who might need to hear it. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to be good. You just have to realize your helplessness and hand it over to Jesus. Claim him as the living God, who came to take away the sin of the world. You can't fix the brokenness but He can.
God is bigger than this and Jesus can fix-it.