Monday, September 14, 2015

It's okay to be angry.

Early in our marriage Jonathan and I had to learn how to communicate. Actually, I had to learn how to communicate. I had the tendency to not tell him when he hurt my feeling and then 6 months later I would word-vomit everything that had ever bothered me out and he would be left stunned. It's not healthy to keep all that negative inside. He told me he loved me. Even if I was mad at him or my feelings were hurt, He was going to love me but he needed to know right then so he could correct it. He loves me unconditionally. (This is the same for me to him but he's not writing this so...)

Now he would tell you that he can't get away with anything. If he hurts my feelings with careless words I let him know right then. Sometimes it takes me a little bit to analyze my feelings. Am I angry? Am I sad? Am I hungry? When was your last meal Mary? Hunger can be mistaken for rage in my house... 

We always work through it immediately. Because I don't want anything between us. I don't want anything to separate me from him. I don't want anything to interfere with our relationship. 

It makes us work harder at our relationship. I don't want to hurt him and he doesn't want to hurt me. We unconditionally love each other but we also really, really like each other. (i'm borderline obsessed with him...)

And once we communicate our feelings we always feel better. 

So. Why am I writing this? 

I hold my relationship with God above any other. Above my husband. Above my kids. He is my reasons.

 And I'm angry. 

I was reading a new book I picked up, 5 minutes with Jesus By Sheila Walsh. The second story talks about a woman who is angry with God. Sheila asked her if she had told God she was angry. "No, you can't do that." Sheila encouraged her to tell God her feelings, he could already see her heart. Why not verbalize it? 

So I did. I had it out with God. I shook his gate. I cried at his feet. 

I'm angry with you. I'm angry that Jonathan has cancer. I'm angry that my family has to do this. I'm angry that my kids have to experience this. I'm angry that my neighbor's brain cancer is back.  I'm angry that I'm angry. I'm angry that watermelon season is almost over. I'm angry that my shorts are tight. I'm angry!  You have the ability to correct all of this and you haven't. You have the ability that none of this had to happen. (In the words of Henry, "I'm mad, mad, mad!")

So I expressed all my feelings to God. Because I don't want anything between us. I don't want to be separated from Him. I don't want anything to interfere with our relationship. 

After all that was said and done, He didn't strike me with lightening. He didn't stop loving me. I could feel his presence and  He comforted me. He doesn't want to hurt me and I don't want to hurt him. He unconditionally loves me.

And once I communicated my feelings, I could feel the anger disappear. 

31 What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. 34 Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.
35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”[a]) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[b] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.
-Romans 8:31-39

God is bigger than this and Jesus can fix-it. 

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