Tuesday, September 13, 2016

He answered my small request.

Yesterday, I was filling up Jonathan's pill organizer. I do this weekly and it has become part of my normal routine. First, I filled in his AM Seizure medicine- 1 pill- check. Second, I filled in his PM seizure medicine, 1.5 pills- check. Since this is chemo week I filled in his nausea medicine, first nausea medicine, 1 pill- check. Then I filled in the 2nd nausea medicine that he will take the first three days of chemo- 1 pill for three days- check.

The last pill that we needed was his chemo.... Chemo... Chemo... Chemo?.. Chemo???

I forgot to call about the chemo. I forgot to confirm the shipping. I forgot the chemo...

So, at 5:30 at night I called our speciality pharmacy. They said they couldn't ship our medicine until Tuesday and we wouldn't get it until Wednesday. This would change our chemo start to the beginning of next week since he wouldn't have enough recovery days to start work on Monday.

I cried and I prayed. "Hey God, they say there is no way for us to get our meds by tomorrow but you can do anything... could you help a fellow out?"

After being on a brief hold the insurance lady said, "Oh wow, you will actually get this tomorrow... We are still able to send stuff out for delivery tomorrow." AT 5:30!

And I lost it. I've been crying ever since. I cried for many reasons: 1. That I am so overloaded with my family's stuff that I keep forgetting things. 2. That God cares about the smallest of requests.

I allowed myself to just let go. I haven't cried in 3 months and before that... I'm not sure. We don't have time for mama to break down. I've got no time for nonsense. I have plenty of time to coax my kids into expressing their feelings and dealing with their outbursts but I don't allow that for myself.

When you ask me how I'm doing just know that behind the "we're great!", "Seizure free", "we keep on keeping on" there's a girl who just wants to curl up in her pajamas and eat peanut butter m&m's and Rick's razorback brownies.

God is bigger than this and Jesus can fix-it. 

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