Thursday, August 1, 2019

Three Months.

It's been three months since Jonathan went to heaven. Three months waking up in an empty king-size bed. Three months of solo parenting. Three months of long-slow days. Three months without his smile, wit, laugh, kiss, I love you, comfort, or voice.

My observations during the past three months-

1. We are in survival mode. I can only handle a day at a time. I forget to plan meals and we have eaten a lot of sandwiches, pizza, and cereal. My kids love this!

2. I can get up and be everything my kids need for that day- Discipline, Nurturing, Snuggles, Rule Enforcer, Fun...

3. It's better for us right now to just stay busy. We have had a summer of fun- Disney World, The Lake, Tour de Tennessee, Water Parks, Pool Dates, Camps. We haven't missed out on any fun. We have one last trip planned before school starts on the 15th. When school starts we will be back into the routine of things and we will slow down.

4. Grief doesn't feel or look like what I imagined. Most of the time I can be completely normal. Still grieving and being normal. Still getting out of bed. Still taking care of kids. Still eating. Still going. But he's never far from my mind. His absence is a deep pit inside of me. I can feel this emptiness. And it hurts. And I cry. Not all of the time but I cry.

5. Weird Stuff I do now...
- I had to take down my bridal portraits. It's hard to see myself as a bride. I was so excited to marry him and start our lives together. We had plans and dreams and they are all gone.

- I smell his deodorant every day. Sometimes I wear it. Because it smells like him.

- I hung a few of his shirts on my side of the closet that he was saving for second wear before washing and I sniff the armpits like crack cocaine. Because I love the way he smelt.

-I sleep in his t-shirts (minecraft, star wars, star trek, avengers). I'm a matching pajamas kind of girl but right now I like to sleep in his shirts. So do the kids.

-Sometimes, I lay on the rug by my bed and cry. It's where I watched him take his last breath and it makes me feel close to him.

- I drive his truck. He hated for anyone to drive his truck. I laugh every time and say I'm not supposed to be driving this!

6. The days leading up to a special day are really hard. Our 12 year wedding anniversary was June 9. This still hurts deep. I cried more before my birthday than any other day. It was a great day but he wasn't here. Lucy's birthday, I did everything she wanted/needed for that day but the void was there for all of us. We've made it through all of our birthdays. We made it a quarter of the year.

7.  I don't feel like we aren't going to survive. It just hurts really bad right now.

8. My brain still doesn't work. I can't remember anything. My filter is gone and whatever I'm thinking I usually say...

9. I'm working on being more interesting... Jonathan has been my entertainment and hobby for the past 12 years. I started watercolor painting and I tried reading but my brain really can't absorb anything new. I'm watching suits, which doesn't make me interesting but is interesting...

10. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all of your strength, and with all of your mind... It takes all of my strength to crave Jesus more than I crave Jonathan. I am really working on wanting Jesus to be the first person I see in heaven but right now it's Jonathan.  

Again, thank you for praying for my family. 
If you want to follow our everyday adventures you can find me on Instagram HERE.

Friday, May 31, 2019

One Month

Tomorrow is one month. May 1st to June 1st. One Month. 4 weeks and 3 days. One Month.

I did it. I made it through the first month. I made it through the funeral. I made it through Mother's Day. I made it through Henry's Birthday. I made it through going back to church, sitting in our spot. I made it to the last day of school.

The relief of Jonathan's suffering ending has worn off. The realization that he's not coming home and the finality of it all has replaced relief. He's not coming home from work. I won't get a text at 5:30 asking if I need him to pick anything up. I'm not going to hear the garage open at dinner time. He's not going to walk through the door. I'm sad. I'm empty. I'm numb. But I'm also happy and present for my family.

Nights are the worst, that's when we had our time together. Once upon a time, my kids went to bed at 5:30 and Jonathan and I would have a home date every night. My kids are asleep by 8 and I'm alone. I watch a lot of Netflix. My friends have loved me and joined me some nights for stupid tv and laughing.

Mornings I have coffee by myself. It's quiet. Jonathan was never a morning person so this hasn't been much of a change.

I have learned that I'm capable of doing a lot of things...
  • I can take out the trash... Jonathan has always given me the "not my job award" when it comes to trash... I'd just wait for him to come home and take out the trash. (I'm working on this becoming Henry's job.)

  • A snake got in our backyard one night. The next morning I went on snake patrol. I knew it was a rat snake, I knew I was going to shoot it with the hose pipe. I walked around with Wesley's doorbells and a shovel... No snake. 

  • I opened a new checking account after a check was stolen out of my mailbox. Where I had to have multiple conversations that my husband had died...

  • I can button up the house at night.  Closing of the blinds. Locking of the doors. Making sure the outside lights are on and the garage door is closed. Dishwasher started. Backpacks packed. Laundry to Dryer. Both kids bathed and to bed.

  • I can be handy. I installed an organizer that had to be screwed into a stud. (Truth, the screws aren't all the way in, I'm not strong enough to push the last bit into the stud. But it works.) I also replaced the outdoor lightbulbs which required a ladder and a screwdriver... Yes, I know how to do all this stuff, I just never had to be the handyman. 

  • I can fill out hard questions on paperwork. I stared at paperwork at the Dermatologist office. Marital Status- two options- single or married. I didn't answer. Then I had to list an Emergency Contact, I wrote my mom's information. I'm a 34-year-old woman and my mom is my emergency contact. To register my kids for VBS, I had to fill out the mother's information and father's. It wouldn't let me skip father's information. So I filled it out and beside his name I wrote (Deceased, May 2019). I gave my kids the fatherless card for VBS... 

  • I can answer questions or respond without crying. (most of the time... with strangers)
    • How are you doing? I'm okay, thank you. 
    • I'm sorry for your loss. -Thank you. He knew Jesus. Our hope is in heaven. 
    • I can't imagine what you are going through.... I'm sorry you don't have an imagination. Try... (I really just smile... I can't help people be creative)

I also realized that I can't just move on or get over this. I have to learn/relearn how to do everything I know by myself. 

One day at a time. One Step at a time. One Task. One Moment. One Breath. One Month. 
I made it one month.  

God is bigger than this and He is good. 

(For more updates, I'm on Instagram @mary.e.bost)

Friday, May 24, 2019

Celebration of Life Video

(I just like this picture... it has nothing to do with anything....) 

Jonathan's Celebration of Life Video is on the Trust Without Border's Facebook page.

I loved everything about his celebration. Thank you to those who could make it out to celebrate with us and if you wanted to attend but couldn't watch the video HERE!

I'll be adding his montage soon.

Friday, May 17, 2019

Two Weeks.

Two Weeks. Two Weeks without my Love.

How am I doing? I'm okay. I'm not wearing black and I'm not laying in bed. I feel empty, like a hallow person walking around. And I'm tired. My brain isn't working correctly either... It's almost as if I am walking in a Fog. I can't remember anything and my ADD is crazy right now. Time is moving very slow.

How are the kids? We took last week off of school and did something fun every day. We started with the arcade and ended with Six Flags. I was all out of fun by Friday. They started back to school on Monday and they have had a great week. The counselor and teachers prepared the class and gave them some ideas of what to say and how to be a good friend.

Henry said, "I don't like when people act like nothing happened. May 1st was a sad day for our family." And I agree. Thank you, everyone, for reaching out, sending cards, meals and all the other things you have done to love on our family.

A few pictures from the past two weeks.

 I spent the night with my sister and we showed up wearing the same pajamas.
 Six Flags Day. Henry fell in love with Roller Coasters!

Lucy played in her volleyball tournament last week. They made it to the championship but lost! Julie and I cheered the bears on in our Mama Bear shirts.

My kids took me to church on Sunday for Mother's Day. Henry was sweet and said, "I'll take you to church but I can't even drive...." I told him I would drive if he would open the doors for me. They also gifted me a 1-hour nap. At exactly one hour, Lucy brought me a cup of coffee and a homemade card. It was very sweet.

God is bigger than this and He is good.

Friday, May 3, 2019

Jonathan David Bost April 18, 1980 - May 1, 2019

Jonathan David Bost, 39, passed away at home in Frisco, TX on May 1, 2019, surrounded by his family. He courageously waged battle against brain cancer for four years. Despite all he endured, he continued working full time until the end of January 2019. He lived every day with courage, love, and grace, unfailing faith and humor. He was an inspiration in how to serve his family, delight in the Lord and suffer well.

Jonathan was born April 18, 1980, in Little Rock, Arkansas to David and Becky Bost. He grew up in Arkadelphia, Arkansas. At age 8, Jonathan made a profession of faith and after a swim across the baptistry, he dedicated his life to Jesus. He attended the University of Arkansas in Fayetteville where he met his wife of 12 years, Mary. He graduated with a degree in Computer Science.
Jonathan started his career at Walmart ISD in Bentonville, Arkansas. After a move to Texas in 2012, he continued his love of programming at various companies including most recently Alkami Technology in Plano, TX.

Jonathan’s greatest accomplishments are his and Mary’s children, Lucy age 10 and Henry age 6. One of his most precious memories was that of praying with Lucy and Henry as they each committed their lives to Christ and then participating in Lucy’s baptism.

In addition to Mary and their children, he is survived by his parents, Becky and David Bost of Arkadelphia; a brother, Dennis Bost, and his wife Delta and their children Asher and Harper all of Little Rock; and his grandmothers, Ovella Bost Elliott and Faye Borland of Arkadelphia; mother and father-in-law, Molly and David Bullington of Frisco, Texas, brother and sister-in-law, Ryan and Laura Coble, and their children Taylor, Emma Grace, Addison and Preston all of Flower Mound, Texas, and sister-in-law, Emily Bullington, of Denver, Colorado, and his beloved family poodle, Wesley Bost.

Jonathan's Celebration of Life
Saturday, May 4, 2019
Stonebriar Community Church
4801 Legendary Drive, Frisco, Texas

2:00 - 3:00 pm Memorial Service -- Building B, Multi Purpose Room (MPR)
3:00 - 3:30 pm Family Receiving Line -- Lobby area outside of the MPR
A Celebration Dinner to Follow. 
In lieu of flowers, a 529 fund for Lucy and Henry’s education has been set up. Links are below:


Friday, April 5, 2019

April Update

We knew we were fighting a winless battle but we fought. 
With Jesus at our side, we fought. 
And we lost. 
(Note- Jonathan is still alive...)

Tuesday we discovered that Jonathan's grade 3 brain cancer morphed into grade 4 glioblastoma and it won. This didn't surprise us, we could see it coming. Jonathan wasn't responding to treatment. Tuesday we decided to discontinue treatment and Hospice was called in. I've told the kids. We cried. I let them yell bad words. We cried some more. Henry cried into Jonathan and said, "Dad, I think you'll have the best time in heaven." 

God is still bigger than this and Jesus can fix it. 
He's just not going to do it this side of heaven.
My prayer request is that God is merciful.

Tuesday, February 26, 2019

Just a note...

I started this blog 10 years ago to document Lucy growing up. I'm so glad I did. I was faithfully writing for the first 4 years, then less when Henry was born, and then more when Jonathan was diagnosed. I found this an outlet to share updates, hurts, and God's faithfullness. I'm blown away by the people who don't know us and who have grown to pray for my family. Thank you. Thank you for the emails. Thank you for the notes. Thank you for the comments. Thank you for the prayers.

(Thank you for the grace when I don't respond)

4 weeks ago if you told me that Jonathan would have just finished the 3rd round of iv chemo I would have laughed in your face. I'm so thankful that God has slowed down my time wtih Jonathan. During the day time moves so slow but as soon as my kids get home its back to business.

I'm reminded of the Reba song- I guess the world didn't stop for my broken heart....

Because as my world/heart is breaking everything around me keeps moving and going. We are trying to keep things normal for the kids so we are still doing school, homework, spelling words, reading, soccer, volleyball, eating 5x a day, baths, making of the beds, laundry, snacks.

(I'm thankful for all of the help I have, Jonathan's parents, Dennis and Delta, My parents, Aunt Laura and Uncle Ryan, Aunt Emily, Church Family, DC, Friends, Neighbors)

I made the kids a chore chart and they are learning to be more responsible. Henry loves to work and Lucy love the responsibility.

God is bigger than this. He is faithful. He shows up everday. He has supplied us with peace and comfort. Some days are good, some days are bad. But he is always good. My prayer to him lately is "I'm going to let you figure this out." Most of the time it's with sincere trust that I say that and other times it's in a sassy voice.... But Always with Trust. He has seen down the corridor of time, he has collected all my tears. God is good at being God.

That's it. That's my update. We just keep on keepin' on. 

Friday, February 1, 2019


We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the holy spirit who has been given to us. - Romans 5:3-5

My hope is in Jesus and the promise of heaven. He has given me peace that passes all understanding and it's the only reason that I am still able to get out of bed today.

Jonathan's health has declined rapidly.

We ask for prayers for all of our family and privacy. You don't need the details to pray, you just need to pray.

I'm thankful and comforted that none of this has surprised God. He has seen down the corridor of time and he knows our hours, days, and future. I can see every day where he is providing. Things I couldn't even think to pray for, He has provided for us. I am sitting in trust.  

Thank you for your continued love, support, and prayers. Your cards, texts, and notes have meant the world to Jonathan and me. 

God is bigger than this and Jesus Can Fix-it. 

Friday, January 18, 2019

I've been Thinking....

Disclaimer- I'm feeling a little SASSY today.... 

Dear Friends. 

Thank you for all of the prayers for our family. Jonathan started his oral chemo last night. So far so good. He will do a low dose of chemo every night and will start iv chemo next week after his port is inserted. 

Again, Thank you for Praying. 

Mary (non-sassy)

Now Sassy Mary... 

Common Phrases I've heard the past few weeks

I'm praying for you! (Thank you!) 
I'm Thinking of you...
I'm sending light your way... 
I'm sending you good vibes...

Please don't think of me. I know what you are thinking. "Wow, that is hard. I'm glad that is not me." And then you hug your husband a little tighter and move on with your day. We've all done it... If you start to think of me the most useful thing to do is Pray. 

Now, Let's talk about Sending Light and Good Vibes my way.  I don't even know what that is. You might as well send me the flu. It is useless to me. If you want to send anything my way, send cash. 
(No, I don't need money. But it is more useful to me than light, vibes, sunshine or the flu.) 

So there you have it... Prayers or Money are what you can send my way. 

God is bigger than this and Jesus Can fix-it. 

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

A morning reminder

My morning reading just so happened to include our family verse. 

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
-1 Peter 5:10

I love that Jesus, himself is going to restore, confirm, strengthen and establish us. Again, He's in the business of relationships. I also love this verse because it makes me CRAVE Heaven. It's going to be a glorious day. 

God is bigger than this and Jesus Can Fix-it. 

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Prayers Answered

Thank you for all the sweet comments on here, Facebook, Instagram, and texts. Y'all are so sweet to follow our story and still love us and pray for us.

Just a little prayer update-
1. Jonathan's chemo meds have been approved. Insurance gets moving when JC gets involved. Proof, I called last week several times to move them along, they were not having any part of me.

2. Jonathan will have a port placed next Tuesday. Hopefully, he will start the iv chemo then.

God is bigger than this and Jesus Can Fix-it. 

Sunday, January 13, 2019

A new year, a new update.

Remember me? I used to blog on this space....

You might see me more often. I need to talk through some things and this is a place where I like to do that.

7 weeks ago Jonathan went in for a routine MRI and a new spot appeared. We had to wait for 6 weeks for a follow-up scan. We waited silently, we prayed, we lived life and we only told a few people.

I planned a trip during those 6 weeks, something to look forward to and something to take my mind off the waiting. We went to New York City two weeks ago and during our trip, we realized something was wrong. We took an early flight home and waited for Jonathan's scan which was last Tuesday.

Tuesday we discovered that Jonathan's new tumor grew. Unfortunately, the trial that he qualified for didn't work like we were hoping. The tumor can't be operated on. He will have a port put in next week and will start both oral chemo and iv chemo.

He isn't driving right now in case what we saw in New York was a small seizure. He is still working.

We tried to keep this from the kids but Lucy is a modern day sleuth and put some pieces together and knew something was wrong. We had a conversation, some tears, and some hugs. I can't protect her from this and that hurts. I also can't promise her that her dad won't die and that hurts.

I've been angry. Like really angry. I told Jesus if he was standing in front of me right now I'd punch him in the face. I imagine he laughed... I woke up a few days ago and decided I was tired of being angry and I prayed and opened up my bible. I opened to James and started my next chapter. After reading the first chapter I get a text (maybe 2 minutes after reading) and my BFF sent me the exact verses I had just read. God is in the business of relationships and he was happy I was seeking him in my pain.
Here's what he said-

Testing of Your Faith

Count it all joy, my brothers,[b] when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

In my hurt, I've been searching for the invisible presence of God-
The Research assistant said that he was surprised Jonathan could still walk because of the size and placement of the tumor. God's in the business of miracles. 

Prayer Request-
1. Insurance is moving pretty slow... we need approval for a port and our chemo meds. 
2. Healing, shrinking of the tumor. 
3. Lucy. Henry.
4. That I will seek Jesus over my fear and anger. 

God is bigger than this and Jesus Can fix it.