You might see me more often. I need to talk through some things and this is a place where I like to do that.
7 weeks ago Jonathan went in for a routine MRI and a new spot appeared. We had to wait for 6 weeks for a follow-up scan. We waited silently, we prayed, we lived life and we only told a few people.
I planned a trip during those 6 weeks, something to look forward to and something to take my mind off the waiting. We went to New York City two weeks ago and during our trip, we realized something was wrong. We took an early flight home and waited for Jonathan's scan which was last Tuesday.
Tuesday we discovered that Jonathan's new tumor grew. Unfortunately, the trial that he qualified for didn't work like we were hoping. The tumor can't be operated on. He will have a port put in next week and will start both oral chemo and iv chemo.
He isn't driving right now in case what we saw in New York was a small seizure. He is still working.
We tried to keep this from the kids but Lucy is a modern day sleuth and put some pieces together and knew something was wrong. We had a conversation, some tears, and some hugs. I can't protect her from this and that hurts. I also can't promise her that her dad won't die and that hurts.
I've been angry. Like really angry. I told Jesus if he was standing in front of me right now I'd punch him in the face. I imagine he laughed... I woke up a few days ago and decided I was tired of being angry and I prayed and opened up my bible. I opened to James and started my next chapter. After reading the first chapter I get a text (maybe 2 minutes after reading) and my BFF sent me the exact verses I had just read. God is in the business of relationships and he was happy I was seeking him in my pain.
Here's what he said-
God is bigger than this and Jesus Can fix it.