Tomorrow is one month. May 1st to June 1st. One Month. 4 weeks and 3 days. One Month.
I did it. I made it through the first month. I made it through the funeral. I made it through Mother's Day. I made it through Henry's Birthday. I made it through going back to church, sitting in our spot. I made it to the last day of school.
The relief of Jonathan's suffering ending has worn off. The realization that he's not coming home and the finality of it all has replaced relief. He's not coming home from work. I won't get a text at 5:30 asking if I need him to pick anything up. I'm not going to hear the garage open at dinner time. He's not going to walk through the door. I'm sad. I'm empty. I'm numb. But I'm also happy and present for my family.
Nights are the worst, that's when we had our time together. Once upon a time, my kids went to bed at 5:30 and Jonathan and I would have a home date every night. My kids are asleep by 8 and I'm alone. I watch a lot of Netflix. My friends have loved me and joined me some nights for stupid tv and laughing.
Mornings I have coffee by myself. It's quiet. Jonathan was never a morning person so this hasn't been much of a change.
I have learned that I'm capable of doing a lot of things...
- I can take out the trash... Jonathan has always given me the "not my job award" when it comes to trash... I'd just wait for him to come home and take out the trash. (I'm working on this becoming Henry's job.)
- A snake got in our backyard one night. The next morning I went on snake patrol. I knew it was a rat snake, I knew I was going to shoot it with the hose pipe. I walked around with Wesley's doorbells and a shovel... No snake.
- I opened a new checking account after a check was stolen out of my mailbox. Where I had to have multiple conversations that my husband had died...
- I can button up the house at night. Closing of the blinds. Locking of the doors. Making sure the outside lights are on and the garage door is closed. Dishwasher started. Backpacks packed. Laundry to Dryer. Both kids bathed and to bed.
- I can be handy. I installed an organizer that had to be screwed into a stud. (Truth, the screws aren't all the way in, I'm not strong enough to push the last bit into the stud. But it works.) I also replaced the outdoor lightbulbs which required a ladder and a screwdriver... Yes, I know how to do all this stuff, I just never had to be the handyman.
- I can fill out hard questions on paperwork. I stared at paperwork at the Dermatologist office. Marital Status- two options- single or married. I didn't answer. Then I had to list an Emergency Contact, I wrote my mom's information. I'm a 34-year-old woman and my mom is my emergency contact. To register my kids for VBS, I had to fill out the mother's information and father's. It wouldn't let me skip father's information. So I filled it out and beside his name I wrote (Deceased, May 2019). I gave my kids the fatherless card for VBS...
- I can answer questions or respond without crying. (most of the time... with strangers)
- How are you doing? I'm okay, thank you.
- I'm sorry for your loss. -Thank you. He knew Jesus. Our hope is in heaven.
- I can't imagine what you are going through.... I'm sorry you don't have an imagination. Try... (I really just smile... I can't help people be creative)
I also realized that I can't just move on or get over this. I have to learn/relearn how to do everything I know by myself.
One day at a time. One Step at a time. One Task. One Moment. One Breath. One Month.
I made it one month.
God is bigger than this and He is good.
(For more updates, I'm on Instagram @mary.e.bost)