Thursday, August 1, 2019

Three Months.

It's been three months since Jonathan went to heaven. Three months waking up in an empty king-size bed. Three months of solo parenting. Three months of long-slow days. Three months without his smile, wit, laugh, kiss, I love you, comfort, or voice.

My observations during the past three months-

1. We are in survival mode. I can only handle a day at a time. I forget to plan meals and we have eaten a lot of sandwiches, pizza, and cereal. My kids love this!

2. I can get up and be everything my kids need for that day- Discipline, Nurturing, Snuggles, Rule Enforcer, Fun...

3. It's better for us right now to just stay busy. We have had a summer of fun- Disney World, The Lake, Tour de Tennessee, Water Parks, Pool Dates, Camps. We haven't missed out on any fun. We have one last trip planned before school starts on the 15th. When school starts we will be back into the routine of things and we will slow down.

4. Grief doesn't feel or look like what I imagined. Most of the time I can be completely normal. Still grieving and being normal. Still getting out of bed. Still taking care of kids. Still eating. Still going. But he's never far from my mind. His absence is a deep pit inside of me. I can feel this emptiness. And it hurts. And I cry. Not all of the time but I cry.

5. Weird Stuff I do now...
- I had to take down my bridal portraits. It's hard to see myself as a bride. I was so excited to marry him and start our lives together. We had plans and dreams and they are all gone.

- I smell his deodorant every day. Sometimes I wear it. Because it smells like him.

- I hung a few of his shirts on my side of the closet that he was saving for second wear before washing and I sniff the armpits like crack cocaine. Because I love the way he smelt.

-I sleep in his t-shirts (minecraft, star wars, star trek, avengers). I'm a matching pajamas kind of girl but right now I like to sleep in his shirts. So do the kids.

-Sometimes, I lay on the rug by my bed and cry. It's where I watched him take his last breath and it makes me feel close to him.

- I drive his truck. He hated for anyone to drive his truck. I laugh every time and say I'm not supposed to be driving this!

6. The days leading up to a special day are really hard. Our 12 year wedding anniversary was June 9. This still hurts deep. I cried more before my birthday than any other day. It was a great day but he wasn't here. Lucy's birthday, I did everything she wanted/needed for that day but the void was there for all of us. We've made it through all of our birthdays. We made it a quarter of the year.

7.  I don't feel like we aren't going to survive. It just hurts really bad right now.

8. My brain still doesn't work. I can't remember anything. My filter is gone and whatever I'm thinking I usually say...

9. I'm working on being more interesting... Jonathan has been my entertainment and hobby for the past 12 years. I started watercolor painting and I tried reading but my brain really can't absorb anything new. I'm watching suits, which doesn't make me interesting but is interesting...

10. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all of your strength, and with all of your mind... It takes all of my strength to crave Jesus more than I crave Jonathan. I am really working on wanting Jesus to be the first person I see in heaven but right now it's Jonathan.  

Again, thank you for praying for my family. 
If you want to follow our everyday adventures you can find me on Instagram HERE.

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